The Killer CV
You have just spotted the job you want. Get your killer CV together and get that interview. These tips will make sure you get noticed:
- One size fits all so make your CV as expansive as possible and include everything. That way your CV will fit absolutely any job.
- Don’t forget to include all your achievements, like how many awards and badges you got at Guides or Scouts.
- No-one minds a bit of exaggeration. So who cares if your employer thinks you have a postgraduate degree in astrophysics and is impressed by your qualifications?
- Make sure your CV stands out. Use coloured paper, fancy fonts and a stunning binder. If they need to duplicate your CV, they’re sure to have an administrative assistant that has the time to deconstruct, photocopy and reconstruct your CV.
- Include all your hobbies and interests, even if you are no longer actively involved. You will sound more impressive and interesting.
- Include referees who will impress your potential employer. Don’t waste time asking for permission. Your referees won’t mind getting a surprise call.
- Start right from the beginning of your career and work up to the present day. That way you show all your skills and experience.
- Don’t worry about gaps in your career. No-one ever checks.
- Don’t worry about proof reading your CV. Impress the HR Manger by using Word to check speling and grammer.
- Finally, always post your CV. Include a self-addressed envelope so it can be returned to you. Don’t worry about the stamp. They will have plenty.
DISCLAIMER: For real tips on preparing a CV, contact us.
The Killer Interview
You liked the sound of the job, you got your CV together and have even got an interview. So now it’s time for the killer interview. Follow these guidelines and the interview panel will never forget you:
- Rush around on the day of your interview so you don’t have time to get nervous.
- Be fashionably late and don’t apologise. Do you want to appear weak?
- Dress for effect. Wear something unusual. Lady Gaga always makes a statement, or if you are a boy, think Ozzy Osbourne.
- Keep the panel’s attention. Fidget, roll your eyes, make extravagant hand gestures and laugh loudly at your own jokes.
- Try repeating each question. Then rephrase it and ask if this is what they meant to say. This gives you time to think.
- Study the floor intently and say ‘um’ every second word while you are answering each question. This shows that you are concentrating on giving good answers.
- Interrupt any panel member who is slow at asking questions. The rest of the panel will thank you for this.
- When asked why you are seeking a new job, tell them how much you dislike the one you are in and let them know why you do not respect your supervisors and colleagues. They will take pity on you and offer you a job immediately.
- Don’t bother backing up your qualifications and achievements by producing the original documents. Everyone knows that CVs are exaggerations of the truth and that qualifications are purchased online.
- Once you have told them all you want them to hear, fold your arms and slouch back in your chair. That will signal that the interview is over.
- And when you leave, do not thank the panel for their time. After all, they asked to see you, didn’t they?
DISCLAIMER: For real tips on preparing for the big interview, contact us.
